Mike the Deadbeat - Mike's Diary

Special thanks!

To Drew & Mike show at WRIF Detroit. You guys were the first to play the CD on the radio and the response was overwhelming. Thanks so much to you and your listeners.

And thanks to Moby Disc in Sherman Oaks, California for being the first store to carry the CD!

Mike the Deadbeat

Hoo-hah

Credit card with a 400 dollar limit and 200 dollars in ridiculous fees. I got tired of their calls and finally went off on them. I must have yelled Hoo-hah! seven times (ala Pacino in "Scent of a Woman"). I don't know why, it was spontaneous. The amazing thing is how I continue to do it to get a human reaction out of her, but she never even acknowledges it.

Bad start

Another high-fee card which was an even worse deal than the Hoo-hah card. Their fees were so abusive that I decided not to even use the card. Then they started billing me for the fees. When I started reading back the friendly brochure to the creditor on the phone, she hung up on me. I never even used the card and I owe them $450. What a country.

Doctor's office

This doctor made me wait over two hours in his office, when I had a ruptured disc in my back. His medical diagnosis for me was, and I quote, "you have a shitty disc." Then he gave me a number of a surgeon who could help me, and it was a wrong number. This guy probably drives a Mercedes. I'm taking the bus.

Landlord

When I first moved in to this apartment I had to spend $400 on paint. When I asked him to reimburse me for the paint, he said, "No." When I asked why, he said, and I quote, "I don't want to do that." I got him back though. I didn't pay rent for a year and a-half. When we went to court, the judge found him guilty of not being properly registered, so he couldn't evict me. Ahhh, justice.

Long distance

This telemarketer from a long distance phone company is so anxious to make a sale, he doesn't listen to a word I say. I tell him three times that I'm using a guy with a stolen calling card number and he doesn't flinch. Once he gets an earful of my life as Mike the Deadbeat, he tries to get me off the phone.

Gas bill

It was summer, so I didn't care if they shut off my heat, so I decided to have a little fun.

Keep it going

Credit card company. On the phone , I revealed the fact that I used to take a cash advance on the card to make the minimum payment. Once the card was shut off, they ruined my system. Even though my system made them more money. Believe it or not, this lady had no sense of humor whatsoever. I told her I didn't want to pay for restaurant charges because I digested the food a long time ago. If you can figure out what the hell she's saying at the end of this call, let me know. I still can't figure it out.

Giving me tips

This collection agent ends up befriending me, and actually starts giving me tips on where to plant my pot plants, and how to keep filing for bankruptcy to avoid paying bills. Nice guy.

Better than mine

I freaked out one day because my bank statement told me that I had a negative $ 4 dollar balance with $8 dollars cash available. (life was good) I thought this meant I had bounced yet another check which would have caused them to cancel my account altogether. (I was on double secret probation). This girl was actually really sweet. I wish they were all like her.

Still sick?

This is one of my personal favorites. I told her that I had the card for ten years, made payments at 20% every month, and that they "had a good run with me." When I told her of my various illnesses, she says, "Well there's nothing ----- can do about that, that's the job of the medical teams. We just need to collect this money." Then I tell her I can do her job better than her, because I can get inside the mind of people like me who don't pay.

Affect you?

This guy's just a pure moron. Enjoy.

Never had a shot

I tried my hardest to explain to this poor brainless wonder that I needed them to re-activate this credit card so I could do my business, which is whacking them out to the max, and chucking them. She sincerely said she would speak to her supervisor and get back to me. I'm still waiting for that call.

Taping this?

First of all, listen to this woman's voice. Imagine being married to that. I matter of factly let her know what Mike the Deadbeat's intentions were if approved for their card. She doesn't listen too well. A recurrent theme with these people.

Rob someone

An all-time classic. This feisty little number is all over me from the get-go. She makes Judge Judy look like a cream puff. This is the one call that almost broke me, but I stood strong and fought her off. When she tells me to rob someone to pay them, I knew I had struck comedy gold.

Good faith

This lady starts off sweet, but when I let her know how Mike the Deadbeat operates, she takes a shot at me right before hanging up. Listen closely.

Balance check

"Your available credit is, zero dollars and zero cents." Story of my life.

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